Most social causes strive to change people: to persuade them to adopt a certain viewpoint, get involved in their communities, stop polluting, start exercising, take time to enjoy music, stay in school.
Contrary to the popular notion of resistance to change, I’ve found that people are more open to change than one might expect, even eager for it.
What we object to is being changed. (Understandably, I’d say).
The notion of changing another person carries hidden messages: “I have the right answers and you don’t, so you’d better listen up. After all, I know what’s good for you. (In fact, I’m better than you.)”
Well! With that music playing in the background, it’s little surprise that we see people resist our efforts to change them, however honorable and well-intentioned we believe ourselves to be.
Paradoxically, change happens more easily when we begin to genuinely see and honor the assets and unique perspectives that others have to offer. In other words, when we support their strengths instead of trying to fix what we think are their “defects.”
(Same goes for us.)
This insight harkens back to the work of Abraham Maslow, who was the first psychologist to study healthy people. He observed that healthy chickens are good choosers. For example, they naturally select the food that is best for them.
Similarly, when people are supported, feeling full and strong, they are apt to see more choices and to move naturally toward health and growth.
More recent research on brain chemistry reinforces this idea. It turns out that telling a person to change a habitual behavior triggers a built-in “error signal” in the brain, which in turn causes the person to become uncomfortable, emotional, and impulsive — and “resistant” to change.
What might happen if we stopped using up so much of our energy trying to change people?
Might it even be useful to go so far as to learn to accept (or even appreciate) the very behaviors we object to, which may have a value that we simply have yet to understand?
Yes, toward others — and even toward ourselves — a little grace, a little loving kindness. Strange idea, isn’t it?
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